There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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