kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize