I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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