I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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