well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It's shark week go big or go home
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
