Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
