I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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