I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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