dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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