So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
