So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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