Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize