You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
