i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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