I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
