I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
