Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
