you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
