11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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