plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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