i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
