i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
