After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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