I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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