420 ftw
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
