If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
