I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
