yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
