I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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