I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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