My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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