Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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