I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize