I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Randomize
