Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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