I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
