what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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