Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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