Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
