i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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