I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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