Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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