Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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