Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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