After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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