I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We need a shit load of segways right now
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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