I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Someone signed my nipple.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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