when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
