Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The adults are the big ones right?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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