Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
