I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
