Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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