I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
