That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
