and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
