it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
