If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just forgot I was standing up.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
