saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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