I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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