gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
