I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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