I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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